9/11 and my Mawmaw

Yes, I realize a blog about 9/11 is a little past due. Sue me.

9/11 was a little different for me this year. It was my grandmother's birthday, and the first one since her passing last year, two days before Christmas.

My mother mentioned how hard it is going through a year of "firsts." First Christmas without her, followed by the funeral a few days later. First Mother's Day. First birthday.

We know the next big day will be the anniversary of her passing. I will try to be there for my mother, but I don't know what to say. I barely cried at the funeral, even though my aunts and cousins were sobbing near me, or on me. I hope none of them thought I was just being callous.

You see, my Mawmaw's life said, "Saved, saved, saved!" when I dropped out of church at age 17, she lovingly shamed me for refusing to go to church with my Dad.

When her Alzheimer's got worse, I kept praying that in her mind, somewhere, she was dreaming of walking Heaven's shore with my Pawpaw. I kept hoping that behind that empty smile, she was holding hands with her Saviour, and he was saying, "I'll always be here for you, Vernell."

Last time I saw Mamaw, 7/11/09

I know that's what she's doing now. I knew that at the funeral, while everybody else was crying. I knew she was looking down begging us not to be sad.

I don't think ill of those who were sad. As strong as we try to be, we are still human. I could have opened the floodgates of tears at any moment. I'm a crier. I'm not ashamed of that. Get me talking about what God did for me, and I tear up just thinking of His Grace. I cry often thinking how I miss my daddy. I cry watching movies so much that my kids will recognize a sad part, and start watching me for tears. And not just at sad things. I cry during the "touching" scenes where everyone is happy, but emotional.

Knowing how easy it is for me to cry, crying at her funeral would only be ordinary. I wanted to show my children that the Bible is true when it says that we don't sorrow as others.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

I purposed in my heart that I would be strong. The way I saw it, if I really believed she was with Jesus, then why would I cry? I shed very few tears that day. When my brother preached the ceremony, I got to smile a lot, remembering the strong lady I called Mawmaw.

But I finally succumbed to tears. Not later that day. Not later that week. But just a few months ago. (you can laugh at me, here) We were watching "Driving Miss Daisy" when one of the kids remarked how, at the end in the nursing home scene, she looked like Mawmaw. It didn't hit me right away, but as the scene progressed, and the Alzheimer's was more evident, I started missing my Mawmaw. I broke down, right in front of my wife and children.

Did I ruin what I had established at the funeral? I don't think so. Read the verse again. It doesn't say we are simply to have no sorrow. It says we do not sorrow as those with no hope. You see, there were those at the funeral with no hope. There were many there who will never see Mawmaw again, unless they get saved. They should be sobbing. Their feet are walking in sulfur. They are headed to a Hell beyond their own comprehension. They sorrow because even if they have a head knowledge of God, they don't have that indwelling Spirit to soothe their crying. They don't really know what to believe, and what not to believe.

I wasn't crying for my Mawmaw. I was just missing her. I think that's OK.

So, on 9/11/2010, Mawmaw's first birthday with Jesus, I spent the day driving, listening to news about 9/11, and replays of broadcasts from that day. I was worked up a little at how soon after 9/11 America gave up on the brotherhood we learned on that day. I heard relatives read the name of their loved ones who died on that day. And amongst all the ceremony and remembrances, I just simply spent the day missing my Mawmaw.

9/11/2001 changed our world. 9/11/2010 changed 9/11 for me, forever.

Mawmaw, you meant the world to me. I am the man I am today due to your Godly influence. I know where you are, and I know I will see you again. But I do miss you.

She was singing Amazing Grace

No sermon here. Just a few thoughts about my Mawmaw and her birthday.